friday, nov. 8th - 6:33 pm

my birthday

tw - mentions of eating disorders and self harm!!

listening to: sandy / take - alex g

My name is Sandy
I'm 14 years old
My insides are changing
And right now I just wanna grow up
I just wanna grow up
I just wanna grow up
I just wanna grow up
I just wanna grow up
I just wanna grow up
I just wanna grow up
I just wanna grow up
I just wanna grow up

sandy's been my favorite alex g song for a long time. yesterday night, the night before my birthday, i listened to it on repeat. it made me feel really bad, i didn't want the meaning of the song to change - it's about a 14 year old girl after all. i think 'sandy' is a metaphor for all the bad shit that happened to me this year, and how it kind of got better after a bit. i don't want things to change, i really don't like it when my routines and rituals get disturbed for no reason at all. and that's how i felt/feel about aging this year. i used to go to bed with anticipation, hoping to get nice presents. but last night i just went to bed with a feeling of dread and panic. even though age is just a number, it IS a huge part of your identity and i'm sick of feeling out of control. i've been in recovery for anorexia for a year and a half now, and it's been terrifying to see and feel my body change back to something that i never wanted to go back to again. i think that's why i started self harming too, to regain some sort of control over my body. and aging is something that you can't stop, you can't strave or cut yourself younger. and that is what scares me.

anyway let's skip to the fun stuff now, PRESENTS!!! HUZZAH!! my parents gave me some energy drinks (much needed for this test week) and permission to get a belly button piercing,, yippee!! and they'll be paying too! they also gave me 35 euros. my sister gave me a vaseline cocoa butter tin (? the circular thingy), and my grandparents sent me 50 euros. awesome.
around 10:20 i had to leave for school, because my math exam would be starting at 11:15. about the test... yeah no it went terrible. mind you, i've been studying for WEEKS, doing all my homework, asking questions, practicing... and when i flipped the first page i just did not understand A WORD of what they were saying. jesus christ. i tried to write some stuff down, but i kind of gave up halfway through. the way the questions were worded was way above our skill level, and the overall difficulty was just was just way too hard. i was SO close to bursting into tears. anyway, 90 minutes later i handed the test in and basically RAN to the bathroom. i felt SICK and so defeated honestly. i cried for a minute or two before going back talk the test over with my friends. well, talk... i saw my friends and i just burst into tears. in front of my entire grade. i was kind of embarassed but i couldn't really hold it in y'know? one of my friends hugged me, which was nice. after i'd calmed down a bit, one of my friends gave me a birthday card, i'll try and translate it?

(left side)

hello, my name is anna and i'm fifteen years old (reference to the song sandy)
sometimes you're allowed to change the lyrics up a bit to make them sound better / a bit more "epic sauce".

(right side)

anna,
"happy birthday" to you.
i hope you'll be making some time for yourself next to studying for the exams♡ have fun today and even though growing up might feel scary, it'll be alright.
love,
E
(or as you call me, loser ;))

i'm really glad i've got some good friends now. i really love them i think.
i think i'm gonna continue studying rn, this blog post has taken me WAY too long already. see you guys soon hopefully